Giving to Win at Marriage

Marriage is not for everyone. Not everyone has been properly apprised of the mindset required to live and share your entire life with someone else. Many of us have grown up with systems and social media cultures that tell us, that we are supreme, life is about us, what we want. We are the buyer…the consumer…because "we’re worth it!" Ultimately, this commercial and superficial world system fosters SELFishness.

I have news for you….Marriage is NOT about you!…the faster we get that in our minds, the better off we will be.

The more successful marriages I’ve seen growing up are the ones that are mutually sacrificial. Both partners have an understanding that they have given up the rights of having all their goals and aspirations accomplished in order to have the other person achieve some of theirs. Don’t get me wrong, you are still uniquely yourself and you shouldn’t lose who you are as a person, but rather, your mind-set is highly geared towards doing things that make both persons ‘win’ instead of one.

Also, two persons coming from two backgrounds mean that both persons have practices and habits that each believes is the ideal one. A good marriage means that sometimes you do it the different way even if you believe your way is better; Go ahead…fight me on it. I’ve seen the result on one party imposing their cultural practices, without any compromise. While the marriage endured for a long time, one person mentally checked out and eventually felt like a robot …losing any zeal for the marriage.

Whenever I tell people I have a great marriage and that I love marriage, I am often met with skeptical, unconvinced expressions followed by, “Give it some more time, you will see”. Thankfully for me, my husband was a mature guy who entered our marriage wanting to do whatever he could to make me happy. While we dated, he would often ask me if there was anything he could improve on as a boyfriend. His selflessness inspired me to want to be that way also. Two people trying to give to the other person makes the magic happen.

Throughout the journey, we have both desired many things, but would usually try to take turns ensuring that the other would have something that was valuable and meaningful, at the cost of getting something we wanted to be deferred.

For example, we needed a new car and my husband had his eyes on the fully electric Ionic and had spent months doing research on it. I wanted to do an MBA and it seemed like it was good timing for me to complete it……we bought a Toyota Aqua (we both love it….now).

Hopefully, when I get a better paying job because of my new job in the future, my husband will have a car he wants.

It’s important to say that my husband’s job isn’t to make me happy. Neither is my task, to make him happy. It should mutually be our desire to want to out-give one another. I’ve often found, doing something that truly pleased my husband, meant that somewhere in the near future, chances are he would want to reciprocate the kindness….though I am not motivated for that reason (I must often check my heart).

Setting a culture of giving early in marriage is vital. If you are married for many years, I challenge you to give and be sacrificial, regardless of the outcome. I believe, if you continue giving with a good heart without expecting anything, in the future, you will at some point be met with reciprocation.