Breaking toxic patterns

We are the products of our beliefs...

I’ve often heard people use the excuse of their upbringings to justify their negative tendencies or bad practices. While I can acknowledge that environment plays a major role in shaping us, I refuse to believe that we have to live that out for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes even our own fixation of hating a vice can ironically doom us into struggling with it ourselves.

Growing up, a close relative of mine would prefer to assume the worst-case scenario for everything! Unfortunately, my unhealthy fixation over hating that practice didn’t keep me in the clear of being guilty of it in the future. Only when my husband called out my constant negative, worst-case scenarios under the guise of “Contingency Planning”, had I realised that I too was choosing to live in fear instead of faith. I had become expert at seeing errors and critiquing. I found nice words for them like…editing, insight, revelation, restoring a brother, helping, etc. Simply put, I realised that issuing “a better way” was a need for my own self-affirmation. I was patting my own back. There I was convincing myself that I was being a good sister and wife with ungrateful reciprocation.

A friend once told me, if I am going to do or say anything, ask myself if it’s out of genuine love or out of fear. If it’s fear, don’t do it.

It continues to be a battle, I’m not out of the woods yet. But I know that acknowledging and surrendering my inability to change on my own to God is how I begin to break free. God now makes me aware and there is a lot of apologising involved….a lot. I often have to apologise to my husband before I can pray effectively.

Also, I need to keep forgiving the relative for the effects of the negativity, especially now that I’ve realised how easy it can become a habit.

I no longer can say, I do this because this person did it. I am an adult and I have to own my poor choices, EVERY time. I need to call it out for what it is, and quickly apologise, forgiving myself also. I choose to visualise a better me and keep pressing towards that goal with every belief that I will overcome fully one day.

I recommend writing on a piece of paper core values you believe to be good and bad. It could be about yourself in terms of what your successes or achievements should be, expectations of a potential spouse, and characteristics of a child. Then on an additional column, tick those things that are true and which are not. Ask yourself why you believe what you believe and who/what are the sources of these beliefs. It might be interesting to realise how subtly our upbringing may have influenced both good and bad beliefs.

Forgiving Myself and Healing

I remember looking out into the sky searching for a distraction. My eyes welled up with water and streamed down my face. I was tired of the cat and mouse, evading, trying to find alternative exits. I had been a victim of an elder, someone my family was friends with….the typical story. Casual bumping had already been turning into frequent hand swiping. I was told to be silent until this was both confirmed and dealt with by leadership. In the waiting, I spiraled….feeling that I wasn’t believed, utterly powerless, a theme that was already becoming more pronounced in my life, and worst of all, worthless.

Thankfully, my faith kept me protected once I chose obedience.

One day..... years later in the Orient, I chose not to be.

I had been hanging out with other English teachers like myself after work. Some of them had some drinks and we were on our way home. One particular male I wasn’t too familiar with was asked to walk me home. While showing him the apartment in the hope of exchanging apartments (a discussion which ensued prior to the late-night rendezvous), we chatted in different chairs across the room discussing the various reasons persons landed in China…the merchants, the runaways and the misfits. I heard a nudge in my spirit, to wrap up the conversation. I responded (to God) that I had things under control since there was no flirting going on. The discourse was mainly academic. Later on, the gentleman stated that he would sleep on the couch since it was so late. This was not too strange as co-workers sleeping over after hanging out wasn’t uncommon. All of us foreigners were family and sharing a couch late at night was acceptable.

As a Christian, I knew being alone in an apartment could easily make me look guilty and jeopardise my testimony as a Christian. I justified the decision quickly with the understanding that there was nothing improper about our conversation or any hint of romantic interest on either side. Sometime later, I said goodnight and I went to get a blanket for him, he followed me into the room and hugged me from behind. While I was surprised thinking it was a joke…he began kissing me on the neck.  

A million thoughts ran through my mind. Where did he get the impression I was okay with this? I laughed it off and reminded him that we were colleagues and had to work together. He ignored me and I kept saying “No …You don’t want to do this” in a low pleading tone. Eventually, he got angry and walked to the door to leave. I felt somewhat bad and asked him if we could still be friends, and stupidly offered a peace hug before he left. He grabbed me and threw me over his shoulders and proceeded to my bedroom. I tried reasoning…talking….muttering ‘no’….until dead silence….I stared at the ceiling wondering if this was all really happening. All my clothing remained on…..I have no idea how long it took before he withdrew and knocked the wall with his fist as he then burst into profanity.

I sat up asking if he “did it”…genuinely uncertain as to what happened as I don’t know how long I had zoned out. I burst into tears. He held me saying sorry and not to cry. Shortly after he left, I didn’t see or hear from him for days…I kept convincing myself that what happened was just a misunderstanding, even though in my gut I knew something was very wrong.

Within the next few weeks, I spiraled into a strange depression…..I felt responsible for everything that happened. I knew better, I had been taught better. I felt ashamed that I was so afraid to hurt someone’s feelings so much that I dismissed my own. The next few weeks, it seemed like everyone knew and somehow I felt judgment had been cast upon me as the girl who was pretending to be the Christian good girl and was trying to blame her bad actions on someone else.

I never used the word rape….it seemed wrong….I labeled it ‘misunderstanding’. Some weeks later, I tried asking him a couple times to explain what happened and later realised that friendship wasn’t good for me. It made me trivialise what had happened. Months after returning to Trinidad, I got an email from the guy saying sorry for what had happened. I cried….feeling some chains being lifted. His admission meant that I wasn’t guilty. Yet…I still wasn’t free. I walked around with the burden that this was my still fault.

It took many years after that to forgive myself. Forgiving the guy was easy.

The persons I told in Trinidad didn’t want to talk about it and somehow I felt punished by them and worse…a suspicion that I wanted it to happen.

The themes of feeling unheard and unbelieved again were too much for me to bear.

Thankfully, a counselor and my husband played critical roles in my life helping me to have a voice and to believe my intentions…..I soon believed me. While I continue to heal and find myself extra cautious around males needing personal space, I am taking steps to not be afraid of hurting people’s feelings when they cross the line. I’m finding my voice and I believe it is getting louder.

The more we believe that we are valuable, we are resolute in what we allow and not allow. I had always wanted people to like me and was always overthinking as to what I did wrong if someone seemed upset. What happened was a hard lesson that regardless of how people could feel, that I mattered and my feelings were paramount. I’m accepting that I can’t please everyone…and that is okay. I’m done with looking for acceptance by people and I've begun to trust God more and regarding His opinions. I’ve met many young women who have gone through similar experiences or worse over the years. Sharing my story helps me heal and believe what I'm saying about self-worth to be true. I’m thankful that God can use our messes and gives beauty for ashes. I’m a better person than I was before all the bad episodes even happened. I am learning, forgiving, and standing firmly about what I believe.

If you have been in a similar situation, I encourage you to speak out. Allow persons that can be trusted to help you properly reframe the themes and support you in taking the steps needed to be mentally and emotionally free. God has helped me heal. He has proven to be true, and faithfully constant at my side. You can ask Him to send persons that can be trusted if you are having problems identifying someone. Also, you can message me. Who knows, maybe we can help out one another…..

Accepting my cultural identity

Although I've worked in the capital city in my country for many years, this year on Indian Arrival Day was the first time I've ever worn Indian Wear to work. I realised that I was the only person at the Ministry of Health Head Office in Port-of-Spain who bothered to do so. I've been known to support Emancipation and wear African wear on Emancipation and for the first time, I felt it was finally time to acknowledge an event that is more relevant to me. Lunchtime, I proceeded to walk down Charlotte Street and go into Pennywise. Again, I noticed no one else in Indian Wear. A number of Indo-Trinidadians I interacted with at work did not remember the holiday today was confused about my chosen wear.

So this is my confession........ Throughout my life I have fought against indo-centric obsessing. I refused to listen to Indian music or look at movies since as a young girl I was an advocate for fostering a uniquely Trinidadian identity that focused on elements of a new culture, derived on our shores. I was even accused once of being anti-Indian since I tended to distance myself a lot from Indian culture. I must admit, I may have done it also to ensure others knew that I didn't have a segregated mindset.

Fast track many years later, being in an interracial marriage, I feel I don't have to fight against any isolated system any longer and I feel comfortable for the first time to now appreciate all the cultural backgrounds that I belong to, especially the predominant one... Indian.

On the actual holiday itself, not a single greeting or post about Indian Arrival day except one from Cousins Whatsapp group. Not an acknowledgment by a work WhatsApp group, a church WhatsApp group or any other group I belong to.

Are Indo-Trinidadians ashamed to acknowledge this day? Or like me....are the younger generations carrying a fear of seeming segregated/Indo-centric that we are all together abandoning the acknowledgment of an Indian heritage?

While I don't plan on listening to Indian music (still not a fan), I do believe it is vital to simply acknowledge events that have contributed to our individual betterment. Ultimately, I am sooooo thankful for my ancestors leaving India and coming to Trinidad....I LOVE TRINIDAD! I couldn't imagine having to live in India with all the challenges women and darker women face. I appreciate every sacrifice and every practice that has been positive that has been passed on throughout the generations such as Indian sweets, financial stewardship practices and honouring elders.

I am blessed because of those before me. Who knows......maybe next year I will celebrate it again!