Dating Purposely

Disclaimer- If you are dating for any other reason besides prospecting for a potential spouse, this blog isn’t for you.

I once heard how you date will set the precedence for the marriage quality you experience. I’ve found this for the most part to be true. Sometimes, if we honestly look back into our early dating years, we might remember little signs and red flags we overlooked that we could currently be facing in marriage.

I’ve observed that strong marriages have couples that possess a strong sense of respect for one another. Marriage based on a foundation of respect is therefore imperative and should be demanded from the onset of a relationship. Interestingly, dating provides key opportunities to cultivate it and should therefore not be taken lightly. Here are some tips you may want to take note of:

·        Curfews- No, I’m not a prehistoric dinosaur. No matter how old you are, giving yourself and communicating a curfew to your date provides an opportunity for him/her to respect you, your family and your boundaries. If you live with your family, telling a date that you need to be home by a certain time (like 10pm), sends a message that you value your family (who may be concerned about your safety…or not). You will be appreciative when you marry someone who shows respect for your family even if you aren’t fans of them (you can thank me later). Also, by you enforcing that the curfew be observed, teaches the date that your boundaries will be respected. He/She will respect you for it. If he doesn’t…..you’re better off without him long-term.

·        Unmasking- Meet him/her in the context of his/her family and old friends. A date can only pretend up to a certain extent around his/her family. It’s easy for family members and friends who know the person for many years to ‘buss dey files’ or share their secrets without compulsion. Observe the date and how the date talks to his/her parents/siblings. This is very telling since the way a guy speaks to his mother is highly likely the way he will speak to you also. I remember a guy I dated in the past insisted that he wouldn’t talk to me the way he spoke to his mother since we were very different. Well….after a few years, I was the recipient of a less than angelic manner of speaking (no…not my husband).

·        Ask the hard questions- While I don’t recommend doing this on the first date, I definitely believe this should be discussed early on. Ask about the person’s short-term and long-term goals……after all…you might be in it! Ask about religious beliefs. Yes…this is important. Many married couples fight over religious beliefs and practices in marriages. Discuss their thoughts on having kids. If you are big on having kids, take a kid relative on a fun day along with your date to see how he/she interacts with the kid.

·        Past relationships- While I don’t believe in asking details about someone’s past personal relationships. It’s wise to know why those relationships didn’t work out. While we know there are two sides to a story, you may still want to take mental notes in case any red flags come up along the discourse. Serious relationships are also good to know about and your date’s current thoughts about the person involved, in the event you discover that your date may not be healed and ready to honestly move on. While you can never truly get into someone’s head about their deep feelings, you would want to gauge if their heart is truly free and whether they may still be in contact with these past lovers. I do recommend that these issues be brought up later in the relationship timeline, since these are heavier and intimate events should only be shared with someone worthy to be trusted (Are you?).

·        Physical boundaries- I’m a believer in sex after marriage….not only for spiritual reasons. This is such wisdom…and perhaps, the best advice here. Here’s why…. There is a fallacy that you need to try out a sexual relationship with someone to determine ‘sexual compatibility’. I believe this is a myth and a ‘set up’ for pain and unnecessary drama! You can grow to have sexual chemistry with anyone you fall in love with over time. Sexual satisfaction is not so much an issue as to someone’s ability or performance…which can improve…but more so…the love you choose to express towards one another with open communication. When you have sex with someone, the chemical, oxytocin, gets released and binds you to the person emotionally (this is scientific). It becomes very difficult to separate if you want to call it quits after a sexual relationship (remember your first break-up?). Unfortunately, like most objects with sticky surfaces, the binding becomes less intense which each sexual partner. So sexual experimentation is like a setup. Abstinence offers the gift of self-preservation, self-respect and maintaining a sober mind when assessing a relationship without being influenced by feelings and attachments. More importantly, you teach someone to respect you and place a high sense of value on you since you aren’t quick to share your inner sanctuary (your body). We often teach others to respect us by delaying sexual interaction, since we are sowing seeds of respect that will last into marriage. Delaying sexual gratification communicates to someone that you are worth a lot and that your date must work for you (through a serious commitment). It works out for you in the long-term. Trust me!