When You are the Big Bad Wolf

I've spent a lot of my life trying to understand why people behave a particular way. I've been accused of constantly looking at the past and being fixated over misdemeanors by family members that added to my struggles. 

Over the past weekend, I found a common thread in everyone's complaints...ME.

I mean, my siblings have always accused me of being judgmental and critical of them. Although in my heart, I know that my motives have been my intense desire to see them happy, their perceptions became their reality and unfortunately their truth. While I felt like my words were streaming from my earnest plea for them to come up higher where I know they would be happier, all it translated to, was that I felt superior and regarded them as inferior. 

While my husband tried to explain this concept to me, I became pretty upset. I felt it was unfair that people who had grown up with me can totally miss my heart. 

Only my mother seemed to truly understand where I was coming from. Time and Distance can really do a lot. Everyday we become changed by new information we receive. Social media, news, disappointments, hardship.....it can cause us to view the world differently and perceive it differently. 

However, I've had to acknowledge that motives can never justify the means. That needing changing regardless.

I've been making myself aware of toxic words and tendencies I inadvertently adopted while ironically resenting them. Apparently, it seems like I don't know how to hold a light conversation and keep it light. It might be that I'm still way too preoccupied operating in fear than faith and might be way too fixated over trying to project a particular image. 

Once a trigger topic comes up, I feel the need for my strong positions to be heard. If it really adds or makes a difference is something I grapple with. In my heart, over the years, I believed they did. However, the losses are more weighted. In fact, the losses are adding up and the result is damaged relationships, not enhanced ones. I used to think it was better to be hated than to hold my tongue on a moral issue. I didn't see how flawed this is. Even God in His sovereignty doesn't use His power to force change.

It has to be better to miss an opportunity to share advice, than to lose a valuable relationship.

I must let Go, Give it to God and live in the present. 

As far as my relatives go....let Grace abound.

Accepting our Roles to Win at Marriage

To my ladies…….this piece of information is not desirable to hear. However, I’d be lying if I gave you some new age, feminist approving perspective.

Acknowledging our God-given role as a woman is a key to winning at marriage.

Nope, this just isn’t any religious propaganda you’ve heard from your grandmamma… This is the real stuff. The stuff that makes good marriages last.

A major role of wives is to be a help and support to husbands. You heard me! Because we were created to help them, we’re actually equipped to do it! We’ve been given the tools, the wisdom and the insight to help our husbands become their best.

When I just got married, I marveled at my husband’s amazing forgetfulness, his lack of follow-through on some great ideas he had and his cowardly demeanor. Furthermore, I lacked patience and kindness, constantly highlighting my planning abilities and multitasking strengths, my routines and my confidence in taking risks.

Now, I’ve repentantly come to appreciate the fact that my God-given skills and abilities were given to help my husband and NOT to use my giftings to bat him over the head or highlight his shortcomings in these areas. It’s like taking credit for something I didn’t earn.

Ladies…what value would we be to our husbands if we didn’t have anything to bring to the table?  Besides our bodies, we do possess skills that could help them, or greater, words that could encourage them. Men love to be complimented. You can never overcompliment a man. I love watching my husband blush when I dig deep for new material. Oh the power we as women have with our words!

Men by nature are more forgetful than women, in fact, science proves that women have consistently stronger short-term memory than men.

Coincidental or divine that our strengths would be different? When I think about the men I know complimenting their wives, I often remember them talking about their wives being smart. We probably aren’t super smart, but to men who usually have different strengths, we can appear amazing.

I’ve often seen my positive, encouraging words to my husband become like water to a dry plant, it makes him hold his head up high. I see confidence rising and a man who becomes taller and ready to change the world.

It’s sad when we use our words to criticise and diminish their masculinity in response to their short-comings. I am guilty of this a lot. God reminded me that when I do what I’m created to do, I reap the rewards. A man who is built up by his wife loves her, a cyclical effect. He is motivated to help me accomplish my passions, goals and becomes my biggest fan.

Quite often, I’ve seen insecure spouses tear down their partners out of insecurity, fearing that if their partners gained confidence, they will cheat or leave. How sad that the opposite is true! A man who is built up by his wife is more motivated to loyalty. I’ve even seen marriages when spouses cripple each other to self-doubt, convincing them that they are worthless and incapable in the hope that they will be controlled and submissive. This is not only ungodly and evil, it is a marriage controlled by fear that leaves both parties unfulfilled.

Oh if we’d only seek to build each other up with our words! We would reap the rewards of a good marriage!

Take that Lunch break!

About five years ago, I was an award-winning worker, the type who never took lunch breaks, worked overtime, and sometimes on weekends for free. I felt very passionate about the work I was doing and felt like my work commitment was valuable to my country and to my boss who was a political figure. I was often expected to deliver work within minutes given the nature of my boss’ job demands. I gave 200%, slept with my phone next to me in the event there was an emergency. In fact, it seemed as if there was always an emergency which further fuelled my drive and increased my sense of resourcefulness to get the work done quickly. I loved the reputation that I was the one who could deliver in a short time frame. Even though, many times I unfairly suffered the reprimand of still not doing enough.

I was burning out, tired, eating poorly and the relationship with my boyfriend at the time (now my husband) was being affected.

One poignant day after work, I proceeded to walk down the length of the street in Port-of-Spain where I worked, sometime after eight at night to catch a taxi to get to the south of Trinidad where I lived. Yes, this was a common habit. The next day, I heard a story about a woman, who was raped along the same street around the same time. This was a pivotal and introspective moment for me. I acknowledged that I was overextending myself to the detriment of myself. The rewards of praises could never be worth jeopardising my personal safety or my physical health. How often I had worked through lunch and generally felt unwell and anxious.

It wasn’t long after that I quit the job after much prayer and consultation. I believe it was the day I chose myself. Obviously, it didn’t have to come to that if I perhaps stood my ground from day one about taking a lunch break or leaving the job on time.

Growing up, my father used to tell me if I didn’t take breaks, I would slowly begin to resent my job. How true this is!

It’s always important to have a healthy perspective on our work life. We weren’t just created to work, but for many of us, we work to enhance the aspect that matters most…our family life.

Before I met my husband, I would often say that my marriage would ALWAYS be more important than my job. I even promised that if a job negatively affected my marriage, I would leave it.

To this day, every birthday and anniversary has been a mandatory day off for both my husband and myself. I have remained committed to never compromise on this. If I believe my marriage needs some time, I will take the required vacation days to work on my marriage.

Thankfully, out of the overflow of a good marriage, it is easier to enjoy work. Even on the tough workdays, I know that my treasure and my happy place is returning to my playmate and my best friend. During my lunch hour, I try to read something online or try to take a walk to my favourite place, Charlotte Street! Lol. When I return, I feel refueled to continue working, knowing that I’ve taken some time for me. I believe this makes me a better worker.

Vacation days, casual leave and lunch breaks were fashioned by the experts who understood the multi-faceted aspects of human needs. The understanding that man shall not live by work alone, but needed those moments to stop and smell the roses….. or incense on Charlotte Street, perhaps some time to reflect and decide if you are going in the direction you want to and even time to ensure that the more meaningful relationships are sufficiently sustained.

Take that lunch break!

Breaking toxic patterns

We are the products of our beliefs...

I’ve often heard people use the excuse of their upbringings to justify their negative tendencies or bad practices. While I can acknowledge that environment plays a major role in shaping us, I refuse to believe that we have to live that out for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes even our own fixation of hating a vice can ironically doom us into struggling with it ourselves.

Growing up, a close relative of mine would prefer to assume the worst-case scenario for everything! Unfortunately, my unhealthy fixation over hating that practice didn’t keep me in the clear of being guilty of it in the future. Only when my husband called out my constant negative, worst-case scenarios under the guise of “Contingency Planning”, had I realised that I too was choosing to live in fear instead of faith. I had become expert at seeing errors and critiquing. I found nice words for them like…editing, insight, revelation, restoring a brother, helping, etc. Simply put, I realised that issuing “a better way” was a need for my own self-affirmation. I was patting my own back. There I was convincing myself that I was being a good sister and wife with ungrateful reciprocation.

A friend once told me, if I am going to do or say anything, ask myself if it’s out of genuine love or out of fear. If it’s fear, don’t do it.

It continues to be a battle, I’m not out of the woods yet. But I know that acknowledging and surrendering my inability to change on my own to God is how I begin to break free. God now makes me aware and there is a lot of apologising involved….a lot. I often have to apologise to my husband before I can pray effectively.

Also, I need to keep forgiving the relative for the effects of the negativity, especially now that I’ve realised how easy it can become a habit.

I no longer can say, I do this because this person did it. I am an adult and I have to own my poor choices, EVERY time. I need to call it out for what it is, and quickly apologise, forgiving myself also. I choose to visualise a better me and keep pressing towards that goal with every belief that I will overcome fully one day.

I recommend writing on a piece of paper core values you believe to be good and bad. It could be about yourself in terms of what your successes or achievements should be, expectations of a potential spouse, and characteristics of a child. Then on an additional column, tick those things that are true and which are not. Ask yourself why you believe what you believe and who/what are the sources of these beliefs. It might be interesting to realise how subtly our upbringing may have influenced both good and bad beliefs.

Understanding your skin undertones: The guide to choosing better clothing colours, jewellery and skin foundations

Have you ever noticed that wearing certain colours elicit more praises than others? I was first informed about skin undertones by a friend of mine who told me that my undertone was suited to autumn colours. Quite frankly, she was right. I did notice that browns, yellows and beige seemed more complimentary and I was therefore more inclined to buying those colours. So how do we know what type we are?

All skin types are generally divided into three undertones:

·        Warm – Yellow-ish or gold

·        Cool-  Blue, pink or even red

·        Neutral- Either a mixture of both warm and cool or the same colour as your actual skin colour

How do we know what is our undertone?

Vein Colours

One great way to help you figure out your undertone is to look at your vein colour. If they appear greenish, you may have a warm undertone. If you have blue or purple looking veins, you may have a cooler undertone. If your veins appear colourless or match your skin tone, you may be neutral.

Reaction to Sun Exposure

Another great way to tell your skin tone is your reaction to sun exposure. Persons with cool undertones tend to burn easily. Persons with warm undertones tan easily. Persons who are neutral tend to burn and then tan.

How does this knowledge benefit us?

Choosing Jewellery

If you have a warm undertone, you tend to look better in gold. If you have a cool undertone, you look better in silver. If you are neutral, you can get away with either.

Choosing Clothing

Some colours look better with certain undertones:

Warm skin undertone- Honey, Olive, Coral and Cream

Cool skin undertone- Blue, Lavender, Rose and Grey

Neutral skin undertone- Sky Blue, Jade, Red and White

Choosing Skin Foundation

Now that you know your skin undertone, pay attention to foundation colours. Observe the pinkish or yellowish tones in the foundations. If you are a warm undertone, look at my video where I review a few of my favourite foundations!

The inexpensive, safe and effective cleaning agents found right in your home!

Baking soda and Vinegar are household products that most everyone has in their homes. However, do we know all their magic tricks?

Over the years, I’ve experimented with various cleaning brands and slowly, baking soda and vinegar became a distant memory. If it was working why change you may ask…Well…I love new and fragrant residual scents after cleaning. So I bought into those persuasive television ads….the ones where scents still emanate long after cleaning.

However, with the emergence of COVID 19 and the demand to actually ensure that germs are killed and objects are properly cleaned, I’ve rediscovered my love for these old favourites. In fact, these cleaning agents are much safer options and are very effective.

Vinegar

Vinegar is actually a weak and diluted form of Ethanoic acid and can effectively be useful for the following:

·        Fruit, Vegetable and Meat cleaner
·        Glass Cleaner
·        Car Deodoriser
·        Sticker remover
·        Cleaning and whitening tiles
·        Removing stains, whitens, brightens and removes mildew from clothing
·        Disinfecting and cleaning microwaves and cupboards
·        Unclogging and removing bad odours from sinks
·        Preventing mildew
·        Cleaning and deodorising toilet bowls
·        Removing fridge odours
·        Keeping car windows frost-free
·        Removing salt and water stains from shoes
·        Relieving sprained ankle pains and itching from insect bites
·        Alleviating dogs’ and cats’ itchy, scaly ears.
·        Cleaning, shining and protecting furniture

Baking Soda

Sodium Bicarbonate also known as Baking Soda is another substance that has many beneficial qualities. These include:

·        Deodorises shoes
·        Whitens teeth
·        Kills weed
·        Soothes pain from canker sores
·        Serves as a mouthwash
·        Alleviates heartburn
·        Cleans burnt stains at the base of pots
·        Polishes silverware
·        Cleans vegetables
·        Cleans bathrooms, sinks and toilets
·        Removes carpet stains
·        Eliminates garbage odours
·        Cleans kitchen appliances
·        Whitens laundry
·        Acts as an Air freshener
·        Relieves itchy skin and sunburn
·        Improves exercise performance

Rediscover your love for these relatively inexpensive, safe and effective cleaning agents!

Living and Loving beyond Heartbreak

Time to put on those Big lady pants, we’re gonna get a bit intense…

If you’ve been a serious relationship that perhaps lasted a number of years before ending, you know that heartache is real pain.

Many years ago, I announced a dissolved relationship in front of some relatives. My Uncle decided to coin in and share that a break-up is one of the worst pains you could ever experience. You go to bed and wake up asking yourself if the break-up was just a bad dream, then you cry until you are covered in tears and ‘runny nose fluid’ and you may even lose weight because you have no appetite. You can no longer listen to love songs, you can’t venture in certain locations that held sentimental value and you keep checking your phone, only to toss it away. That pretty much summed it up.

Back then, I remember many well-intentioned individuals telling me that I would get over it with time and I remember resenting hearing that. It’s true, no one fully comprehends your ambivalent feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt coupled with longing and missing the person……but all in all, it’s true you CAN get over the pain…and move on.

During that time, a friend advised me to look at the movie “500 Days of Summer”. It communicated a most poignant message that was pivotal in helping me properly dissect my emotions. It was a challenge to properly reframe the relationship for the reality of what it was and not what I wanted it to have been. With the heartache, sometimes we hurt because we consider the loss of the good things without the healthy balance of acknowledging the bad. I had to go back in my memory and imagine the ex’s facial expressions and recognise his growing loss of enthusiasm when seeing me. I went back and ‘saw’ things I had overlooked, the growing unhappiness, the growing distrust, the growing sensation of feeling ‘stuck’ and the growing misunderstandings. I was finally willing to accept the whole reality.

I had been guilty of reminiscing the good memories, idealised future plans and ambitions of a life together. Worse, I felt like he ‘owed’ me something for all the years and emotional investments. This I learned is an enemy of truly becoming free. I forgave him for everything and I forgave myself for wanting to hold on to resentment….and kept doing it over and over again.  I allowed myself to mourn the death of a future that would never happen and then I started a gratitude journal. I started being thankful for little things, baby steps, air, potable water, a warm bed, another day, family members, friends, etc. Gratitude became instrumental in healing.

I am convinced that God truly worked everything for my good. My husband far exceeds what I could have ever conceived in my expectations of a husband. I realised that we can limit or restrict our happiness by the lies we tell ourselves. You CAN love again…..

A life without true forgiveness only keeps us in the cage and away from the reality that there are good people who can be trusted and that true love grows over time.

Dating Purposely

Disclaimer- If you are dating for any other reason besides prospecting for a potential spouse, this blog isn’t for you.

I once heard how you date will set the precedence for the marriage quality you experience. I’ve found this for the most part to be true. Sometimes, if we honestly look back into our early dating years, we might remember little signs and red flags we overlooked that we could currently be facing in marriage.

I’ve observed that strong marriages have couples that possess a strong sense of respect for one another. Marriage based on a foundation of respect is therefore imperative and should be demanded from the onset of a relationship. Interestingly, dating provides key opportunities to cultivate it and should therefore not be taken lightly. Here are some tips you may want to take note of:

·        Curfews- No, I’m not a prehistoric dinosaur. No matter how old you are, giving yourself and communicating a curfew to your date provides an opportunity for him/her to respect you, your family and your boundaries. If you live with your family, telling a date that you need to be home by a certain time (like 10pm), sends a message that you value your family (who may be concerned about your safety…or not). You will be appreciative when you marry someone who shows respect for your family even if you aren’t fans of them (you can thank me later). Also, by you enforcing that the curfew be observed, teaches the date that your boundaries will be respected. He/She will respect you for it. If he doesn’t…..you’re better off without him long-term.

·        Unmasking- Meet him/her in the context of his/her family and old friends. A date can only pretend up to a certain extent around his/her family. It’s easy for family members and friends who know the person for many years to ‘buss dey files’ or share their secrets without compulsion. Observe the date and how the date talks to his/her parents/siblings. This is very telling since the way a guy speaks to his mother is highly likely the way he will speak to you also. I remember a guy I dated in the past insisted that he wouldn’t talk to me the way he spoke to his mother since we were very different. Well….after a few years, I was the recipient of a less than angelic manner of speaking (no…not my husband).

·        Ask the hard questions- While I don’t recommend doing this on the first date, I definitely believe this should be discussed early on. Ask about the person’s short-term and long-term goals……after all…you might be in it! Ask about religious beliefs. Yes…this is important. Many married couples fight over religious beliefs and practices in marriages. Discuss their thoughts on having kids. If you are big on having kids, take a kid relative on a fun day along with your date to see how he/she interacts with the kid.

·        Past relationships- While I don’t believe in asking details about someone’s past personal relationships. It’s wise to know why those relationships didn’t work out. While we know there are two sides to a story, you may still want to take mental notes in case any red flags come up along the discourse. Serious relationships are also good to know about and your date’s current thoughts about the person involved, in the event you discover that your date may not be healed and ready to honestly move on. While you can never truly get into someone’s head about their deep feelings, you would want to gauge if their heart is truly free and whether they may still be in contact with these past lovers. I do recommend that these issues be brought up later in the relationship timeline, since these are heavier and intimate events should only be shared with someone worthy to be trusted (Are you?).

·        Physical boundaries- I’m a believer in sex after marriage….not only for spiritual reasons. This is such wisdom…and perhaps, the best advice here. Here’s why…. There is a fallacy that you need to try out a sexual relationship with someone to determine ‘sexual compatibility’. I believe this is a myth and a ‘set up’ for pain and unnecessary drama! You can grow to have sexual chemistry with anyone you fall in love with over time. Sexual satisfaction is not so much an issue as to someone’s ability or performance…which can improve…but more so…the love you choose to express towards one another with open communication. When you have sex with someone, the chemical, oxytocin, gets released and binds you to the person emotionally (this is scientific). It becomes very difficult to separate if you want to call it quits after a sexual relationship (remember your first break-up?). Unfortunately, like most objects with sticky surfaces, the binding becomes less intense which each sexual partner. So sexual experimentation is like a setup. Abstinence offers the gift of self-preservation, self-respect and maintaining a sober mind when assessing a relationship without being influenced by feelings and attachments. More importantly, you teach someone to respect you and place a high sense of value on you since you aren’t quick to share your inner sanctuary (your body). We often teach others to respect us by delaying sexual interaction, since we are sowing seeds of respect that will last into marriage. Delaying sexual gratification communicates to someone that you are worth a lot and that your date must work for you (through a serious commitment). It works out for you in the long-term. Trust me!

Giving to Win at Marriage

Marriage is not for everyone. Not everyone has been properly apprised of the mindset required to live and share your entire life with someone else. Many of us have grown up with systems and social media cultures that tell us, that we are supreme, life is about us, what we want. We are the buyer…the consumer…because "we’re worth it!" Ultimately, this commercial and superficial world system fosters SELFishness.

I have news for you….Marriage is NOT about you!…the faster we get that in our minds, the better off we will be.

The more successful marriages I’ve seen growing up are the ones that are mutually sacrificial. Both partners have an understanding that they have given up the rights of having all their goals and aspirations accomplished in order to have the other person achieve some of theirs. Don’t get me wrong, you are still uniquely yourself and you shouldn’t lose who you are as a person, but rather, your mind-set is highly geared towards doing things that make both persons ‘win’ instead of one.

Also, two persons coming from two backgrounds mean that both persons have practices and habits that each believes is the ideal one. A good marriage means that sometimes you do it the different way even if you believe your way is better; Go ahead…fight me on it. I’ve seen the result on one party imposing their cultural practices, without any compromise. While the marriage endured for a long time, one person mentally checked out and eventually felt like a robot …losing any zeal for the marriage.

Whenever I tell people I have a great marriage and that I love marriage, I am often met with skeptical, unconvinced expressions followed by, “Give it some more time, you will see”. Thankfully for me, my husband was a mature guy who entered our marriage wanting to do whatever he could to make me happy. While we dated, he would often ask me if there was anything he could improve on as a boyfriend. His selflessness inspired me to want to be that way also. Two people trying to give to the other person makes the magic happen.

Throughout the journey, we have both desired many things, but would usually try to take turns ensuring that the other would have something that was valuable and meaningful, at the cost of getting something we wanted to be deferred.

For example, we needed a new car and my husband had his eyes on the fully electric Ionic and had spent months doing research on it. I wanted to do an MBA and it seemed like it was good timing for me to complete it……we bought a Toyota Aqua (we both love it….now).

Hopefully, when I get a better paying job because of my new job in the future, my husband will have a car he wants.

It’s important to say that my husband’s job isn’t to make me happy. Neither is my task, to make him happy. It should mutually be our desire to want to out-give one another. I’ve often found, doing something that truly pleased my husband, meant that somewhere in the near future, chances are he would want to reciprocate the kindness….though I am not motivated for that reason (I must often check my heart).

Setting a culture of giving early in marriage is vital. If you are married for many years, I challenge you to give and be sacrificial, regardless of the outcome. I believe, if you continue giving with a good heart without expecting anything, in the future, you will at some point be met with reciprocation.

Dying your own Hair

I don’t know about you, but it’s hard for me to spend a lot of money on my hair. When I hear the price some people pay for simple haircuts or hair colour treatments, I am appalled. I prefer to do it myself!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about helping out small businesses. They will have it for my eyebrows and……um…...nope……..nothing else. I cut my hair, do my own nails and dye my own hair. This is how I save money.

Believe it or not, I’ve found the cheapest hair dye brand, Revlon to work effectively for me. I have tried L’oreal and Garnier and was very disappointed. I recently used L’oreal’s Bright Auburn. It was messy from the start, and the red kept washing out with each wash until my original colour resurfaced. Garnier took forever to change my hair colour and when the timeframe was complete, the change was barely noticeable. Revlon has never let me down. Perhaps the experience is due to my hair type? Let me know if you’ve had good experiences with L’oreal and Garnier below.

In this post, I wish to share a few tips for you who are thinking about dying your own hair.

#1

Wash your hair a day before dying hair to ensure that most of the oils are removed. I remembered a time when I disregarded washing out the products that were in my hair and realised that they acted as a barrier to my hair reacting to the dye. Unfortunately, the colour didn’t show up.

#2

You should always buy an additional box. So for my long hair, I use three boxes. It’s always better to have more than less since the excess can always be used to recoat your hair. In the event I don’t use the third, I keep it for hair root touch-ups in the future.

#3

Spread old newspapers on the floor and wear old clothing that can afford to get trashed. It’s ideal if you have a salon cape to cover your upper body. If you don't, a simple garbage bag will work. It can get messy and you don’t want to spend too much time cleaning up after.

#4

Don’t keep a hair dye in your hair too long. I know it can be tempting to wait longer than the stipulated time to see an emerging colour that you want. I strongly advise against it. You can severely damage your hair. If you don’t see the colour coming in after the allotted timeframe given in the specific instructions, wash your hair and wait for it to dry in order to properly re-assess its actual colour. If you still aren’t satisfied, colour again in a month or two! It’s better to have the option to colour again than have brittle and weakened hair.

#5

Don’t start colouring at the top of your hairline in front of your face! I’ve paid a dear price for this poor decision many times in the earlies…..It’s the worst thing when you end up with very light hair at the top and darker shades at the base. It is better if the error occurs the other way around. I recommend you start at the ends of your hair and work your way up. Many times, the virgin hair roots easily absorb and react with the chemical dyes, and tend to change faster. Regardless, try to move fast when you are colouring. The aim is for all areas of your hair to look generally even.

#6

If you have black or very dark, and thick hair, choose a colour two shades lighter than the colour you actually want. Be very careful with this as different people have different hair types and this may not work for everyone. If I want a medium to light brown shade, I usually choose light blonde shades. In the end, I get the colour I want.

Share your experiences and tips below! I look forward to reading them J