I've spent a lot of my life trying to understand why people behave a particular way. I've been accused of constantly looking at the past and being fixated over misdemeanors by family members that added to my struggles.
Over the past weekend, I found a common thread in everyone's complaints...ME.
I mean, my siblings have always accused me of being judgmental and critical of them. Although in my heart, I know that my motives have been my intense desire to see them happy, their perceptions became their reality and unfortunately their truth. While I felt like my words were streaming from my earnest plea for them to come up higher where I know they would be happier, all it translated to, was that I felt superior and regarded them as inferior.
While my husband tried to explain this concept to me, I became pretty upset. I felt it was unfair that people who had grown up with me can totally miss my heart.
Only my mother seemed to truly understand where I was coming from. Time and Distance can really do a lot. Everyday we become changed by new information we receive. Social media, news, disappointments, hardship.....it can cause us to view the world differently and perceive it differently.
However, I've had to acknowledge that motives can never justify the means. That needing changing regardless.
I've been making myself aware of toxic words and tendencies I inadvertently adopted while ironically resenting them. Apparently, it seems like I don't know how to hold a light conversation and keep it light. It might be that I'm still way too preoccupied operating in fear than faith and might be way too fixated over trying to project a particular image.
Once a trigger topic comes up, I feel the need for my strong positions to be heard. If it really adds or makes a difference is something I grapple with. In my heart, over the years, I believed they did. However, the losses are more weighted. In fact, the losses are adding up and the result is damaged relationships, not enhanced ones. I used to think it was better to be hated than to hold my tongue on a moral issue. I didn't see how flawed this is. Even God in His sovereignty doesn't use His power to force change.
It has to be better to miss an opportunity to share advice, than to lose a valuable relationship.
I must let Go, Give it to God and live in the present.
As far as my relatives go....let Grace abound.
