Forgiving Myself and Healing

I remember looking out into the sky searching for a distraction. My eyes welled up with water and streamed down my face. I was tired of the cat and mouse, evading, trying to find alternative exits. I had been a victim of an elder, someone my family was friends with….the typical story. Casual bumping had already been turning into frequent hand swiping. I was told to be silent until this was both confirmed and dealt with by leadership. In the waiting, I spiraled….feeling that I wasn’t believed, utterly powerless, a theme that was already becoming more pronounced in my life, and worst of all, worthless.

Thankfully, my faith kept me protected once I chose obedience.

One day..... years later in the Orient, I chose not to be.

I had been hanging out with other English teachers like myself after work. Some of them had some drinks and we were on our way home. One particular male I wasn’t too familiar with was asked to walk me home. While showing him the apartment in the hope of exchanging apartments (a discussion which ensued prior to the late-night rendezvous), we chatted in different chairs across the room discussing the various reasons persons landed in China…the merchants, the runaways and the misfits. I heard a nudge in my spirit, to wrap up the conversation. I responded (to God) that I had things under control since there was no flirting going on. The discourse was mainly academic. Later on, the gentleman stated that he would sleep on the couch since it was so late. This was not too strange as co-workers sleeping over after hanging out wasn’t uncommon. All of us foreigners were family and sharing a couch late at night was acceptable.

As a Christian, I knew being alone in an apartment could easily make me look guilty and jeopardise my testimony as a Christian. I justified the decision quickly with the understanding that there was nothing improper about our conversation or any hint of romantic interest on either side. Sometime later, I said goodnight and I went to get a blanket for him, he followed me into the room and hugged me from behind. While I was surprised thinking it was a joke…he began kissing me on the neck.  

A million thoughts ran through my mind. Where did he get the impression I was okay with this? I laughed it off and reminded him that we were colleagues and had to work together. He ignored me and I kept saying “No …You don’t want to do this” in a low pleading tone. Eventually, he got angry and walked to the door to leave. I felt somewhat bad and asked him if we could still be friends, and stupidly offered a peace hug before he left. He grabbed me and threw me over his shoulders and proceeded to my bedroom. I tried reasoning…talking….muttering ‘no’….until dead silence….I stared at the ceiling wondering if this was all really happening. All my clothing remained on…..I have no idea how long it took before he withdrew and knocked the wall with his fist as he then burst into profanity.

I sat up asking if he “did it”…genuinely uncertain as to what happened as I don’t know how long I had zoned out. I burst into tears. He held me saying sorry and not to cry. Shortly after he left, I didn’t see or hear from him for days…I kept convincing myself that what happened was just a misunderstanding, even though in my gut I knew something was very wrong.

Within the next few weeks, I spiraled into a strange depression…..I felt responsible for everything that happened. I knew better, I had been taught better. I felt ashamed that I was so afraid to hurt someone’s feelings so much that I dismissed my own. The next few weeks, it seemed like everyone knew and somehow I felt judgment had been cast upon me as the girl who was pretending to be the Christian good girl and was trying to blame her bad actions on someone else.

I never used the word rape….it seemed wrong….I labeled it ‘misunderstanding’. Some weeks later, I tried asking him a couple times to explain what happened and later realised that friendship wasn’t good for me. It made me trivialise what had happened. Months after returning to Trinidad, I got an email from the guy saying sorry for what had happened. I cried….feeling some chains being lifted. His admission meant that I wasn’t guilty. Yet…I still wasn’t free. I walked around with the burden that this was my still fault.

It took many years after that to forgive myself. Forgiving the guy was easy.

The persons I told in Trinidad didn’t want to talk about it and somehow I felt punished by them and worse…a suspicion that I wanted it to happen.

The themes of feeling unheard and unbelieved again were too much for me to bear.

Thankfully, a counselor and my husband played critical roles in my life helping me to have a voice and to believe my intentions…..I soon believed me. While I continue to heal and find myself extra cautious around males needing personal space, I am taking steps to not be afraid of hurting people’s feelings when they cross the line. I’m finding my voice and I believe it is getting louder.

The more we believe that we are valuable, we are resolute in what we allow and not allow. I had always wanted people to like me and was always overthinking as to what I did wrong if someone seemed upset. What happened was a hard lesson that regardless of how people could feel, that I mattered and my feelings were paramount. I’m accepting that I can’t please everyone…and that is okay. I’m done with looking for acceptance by people and I've begun to trust God more and regarding His opinions. I’ve met many young women who have gone through similar experiences or worse over the years. Sharing my story helps me heal and believe what I'm saying about self-worth to be true. I’m thankful that God can use our messes and gives beauty for ashes. I’m a better person than I was before all the bad episodes even happened. I am learning, forgiving, and standing firmly about what I believe.

If you have been in a similar situation, I encourage you to speak out. Allow persons that can be trusted to help you properly reframe the themes and support you in taking the steps needed to be mentally and emotionally free. God has helped me heal. He has proven to be true, and faithfully constant at my side. You can ask Him to send persons that can be trusted if you are having problems identifying someone. Also, you can message me. Who knows, maybe we can help out one another…..