Breaking toxic patterns

We are the products of our beliefs...

I’ve often heard people use the excuse of their upbringings to justify their negative tendencies or bad practices. While I can acknowledge that environment plays a major role in shaping us, I refuse to believe that we have to live that out for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes even our own fixation of hating a vice can ironically doom us into struggling with it ourselves.

Growing up, a close relative of mine would prefer to assume the worst-case scenario for everything! Unfortunately, my unhealthy fixation over hating that practice didn’t keep me in the clear of being guilty of it in the future. Only when my husband called out my constant negative, worst-case scenarios under the guise of “Contingency Planning”, had I realised that I too was choosing to live in fear instead of faith. I had become expert at seeing errors and critiquing. I found nice words for them like…editing, insight, revelation, restoring a brother, helping, etc. Simply put, I realised that issuing “a better way” was a need for my own self-affirmation. I was patting my own back. There I was convincing myself that I was being a good sister and wife with ungrateful reciprocation.

A friend once told me, if I am going to do or say anything, ask myself if it’s out of genuine love or out of fear. If it’s fear, don’t do it.

It continues to be a battle, I’m not out of the woods yet. But I know that acknowledging and surrendering my inability to change on my own to God is how I begin to break free. God now makes me aware and there is a lot of apologising involved….a lot. I often have to apologise to my husband before I can pray effectively.

Also, I need to keep forgiving the relative for the effects of the negativity, especially now that I’ve realised how easy it can become a habit.

I no longer can say, I do this because this person did it. I am an adult and I have to own my poor choices, EVERY time. I need to call it out for what it is, and quickly apologise, forgiving myself also. I choose to visualise a better me and keep pressing towards that goal with every belief that I will overcome fully one day.

I recommend writing on a piece of paper core values you believe to be good and bad. It could be about yourself in terms of what your successes or achievements should be, expectations of a potential spouse, and characteristics of a child. Then on an additional column, tick those things that are true and which are not. Ask yourself why you believe what you believe and who/what are the sources of these beliefs. It might be interesting to realise how subtly our upbringing may have influenced both good and bad beliefs.

Living and Loving beyond Heartbreak

Time to put on those Big lady pants, we’re gonna get a bit intense…

If you’ve been a serious relationship that perhaps lasted a number of years before ending, you know that heartache is real pain.

Many years ago, I announced a dissolved relationship in front of some relatives. My Uncle decided to coin in and share that a break-up is one of the worst pains you could ever experience. You go to bed and wake up asking yourself if the break-up was just a bad dream, then you cry until you are covered in tears and ‘runny nose fluid’ and you may even lose weight because you have no appetite. You can no longer listen to love songs, you can’t venture in certain locations that held sentimental value and you keep checking your phone, only to toss it away. That pretty much summed it up.

Back then, I remember many well-intentioned individuals telling me that I would get over it with time and I remember resenting hearing that. It’s true, no one fully comprehends your ambivalent feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt coupled with longing and missing the person……but all in all, it’s true you CAN get over the pain…and move on.

During that time, a friend advised me to look at the movie “500 Days of Summer”. It communicated a most poignant message that was pivotal in helping me properly dissect my emotions. It was a challenge to properly reframe the relationship for the reality of what it was and not what I wanted it to have been. With the heartache, sometimes we hurt because we consider the loss of the good things without the healthy balance of acknowledging the bad. I had to go back in my memory and imagine the ex’s facial expressions and recognise his growing loss of enthusiasm when seeing me. I went back and ‘saw’ things I had overlooked, the growing unhappiness, the growing distrust, the growing sensation of feeling ‘stuck’ and the growing misunderstandings. I was finally willing to accept the whole reality.

I had been guilty of reminiscing the good memories, idealised future plans and ambitions of a life together. Worse, I felt like he ‘owed’ me something for all the years and emotional investments. This I learned is an enemy of truly becoming free. I forgave him for everything and I forgave myself for wanting to hold on to resentment….and kept doing it over and over again.  I allowed myself to mourn the death of a future that would never happen and then I started a gratitude journal. I started being thankful for little things, baby steps, air, potable water, a warm bed, another day, family members, friends, etc. Gratitude became instrumental in healing.

I am convinced that God truly worked everything for my good. My husband far exceeds what I could have ever conceived in my expectations of a husband. I realised that we can limit or restrict our happiness by the lies we tell ourselves. You CAN love again…..

A life without true forgiveness only keeps us in the cage and away from the reality that there are good people who can be trusted and that true love grows over time.

Dating Purposely

Disclaimer- If you are dating for any other reason besides prospecting for a potential spouse, this blog isn’t for you.

I once heard how you date will set the precedence for the marriage quality you experience. I’ve found this for the most part to be true. Sometimes, if we honestly look back into our early dating years, we might remember little signs and red flags we overlooked that we could currently be facing in marriage.

I’ve observed that strong marriages have couples that possess a strong sense of respect for one another. Marriage based on a foundation of respect is therefore imperative and should be demanded from the onset of a relationship. Interestingly, dating provides key opportunities to cultivate it and should therefore not be taken lightly. Here are some tips you may want to take note of:

·        Curfews- No, I’m not a prehistoric dinosaur. No matter how old you are, giving yourself and communicating a curfew to your date provides an opportunity for him/her to respect you, your family and your boundaries. If you live with your family, telling a date that you need to be home by a certain time (like 10pm), sends a message that you value your family (who may be concerned about your safety…or not). You will be appreciative when you marry someone who shows respect for your family even if you aren’t fans of them (you can thank me later). Also, by you enforcing that the curfew be observed, teaches the date that your boundaries will be respected. He/She will respect you for it. If he doesn’t…..you’re better off without him long-term.

·        Unmasking- Meet him/her in the context of his/her family and old friends. A date can only pretend up to a certain extent around his/her family. It’s easy for family members and friends who know the person for many years to ‘buss dey files’ or share their secrets without compulsion. Observe the date and how the date talks to his/her parents/siblings. This is very telling since the way a guy speaks to his mother is highly likely the way he will speak to you also. I remember a guy I dated in the past insisted that he wouldn’t talk to me the way he spoke to his mother since we were very different. Well….after a few years, I was the recipient of a less than angelic manner of speaking (no…not my husband).

·        Ask the hard questions- While I don’t recommend doing this on the first date, I definitely believe this should be discussed early on. Ask about the person’s short-term and long-term goals……after all…you might be in it! Ask about religious beliefs. Yes…this is important. Many married couples fight over religious beliefs and practices in marriages. Discuss their thoughts on having kids. If you are big on having kids, take a kid relative on a fun day along with your date to see how he/she interacts with the kid.

·        Past relationships- While I don’t believe in asking details about someone’s past personal relationships. It’s wise to know why those relationships didn’t work out. While we know there are two sides to a story, you may still want to take mental notes in case any red flags come up along the discourse. Serious relationships are also good to know about and your date’s current thoughts about the person involved, in the event you discover that your date may not be healed and ready to honestly move on. While you can never truly get into someone’s head about their deep feelings, you would want to gauge if their heart is truly free and whether they may still be in contact with these past lovers. I do recommend that these issues be brought up later in the relationship timeline, since these are heavier and intimate events should only be shared with someone worthy to be trusted (Are you?).

·        Physical boundaries- I’m a believer in sex after marriage….not only for spiritual reasons. This is such wisdom…and perhaps, the best advice here. Here’s why…. There is a fallacy that you need to try out a sexual relationship with someone to determine ‘sexual compatibility’. I believe this is a myth and a ‘set up’ for pain and unnecessary drama! You can grow to have sexual chemistry with anyone you fall in love with over time. Sexual satisfaction is not so much an issue as to someone’s ability or performance…which can improve…but more so…the love you choose to express towards one another with open communication. When you have sex with someone, the chemical, oxytocin, gets released and binds you to the person emotionally (this is scientific). It becomes very difficult to separate if you want to call it quits after a sexual relationship (remember your first break-up?). Unfortunately, like most objects with sticky surfaces, the binding becomes less intense which each sexual partner. So sexual experimentation is like a setup. Abstinence offers the gift of self-preservation, self-respect and maintaining a sober mind when assessing a relationship without being influenced by feelings and attachments. More importantly, you teach someone to respect you and place a high sense of value on you since you aren’t quick to share your inner sanctuary (your body). We often teach others to respect us by delaying sexual interaction, since we are sowing seeds of respect that will last into marriage. Delaying sexual gratification communicates to someone that you are worth a lot and that your date must work for you (through a serious commitment). It works out for you in the long-term. Trust me!