Accepting our Roles to Win at Marriage

To my ladies…….this piece of information is not desirable to hear. However, I’d be lying if I gave you some new age, feminist approving perspective.

Acknowledging our God-given role as a woman is a key to winning at marriage.

Nope, this just isn’t any religious propaganda you’ve heard from your grandmamma… This is the real stuff. The stuff that makes good marriages last.

A major role of wives is to be a help and support to husbands. You heard me! Because we were created to help them, we’re actually equipped to do it! We’ve been given the tools, the wisdom and the insight to help our husbands become their best.

When I just got married, I marveled at my husband’s amazing forgetfulness, his lack of follow-through on some great ideas he had and his cowardly demeanor. Furthermore, I lacked patience and kindness, constantly highlighting my planning abilities and multitasking strengths, my routines and my confidence in taking risks.

Now, I’ve repentantly come to appreciate the fact that my God-given skills and abilities were given to help my husband and NOT to use my giftings to bat him over the head or highlight his shortcomings in these areas. It’s like taking credit for something I didn’t earn.

Ladies…what value would we be to our husbands if we didn’t have anything to bring to the table?  Besides our bodies, we do possess skills that could help them, or greater, words that could encourage them. Men love to be complimented. You can never overcompliment a man. I love watching my husband blush when I dig deep for new material. Oh the power we as women have with our words!

Men by nature are more forgetful than women, in fact, science proves that women have consistently stronger short-term memory than men.

Coincidental or divine that our strengths would be different? When I think about the men I know complimenting their wives, I often remember them talking about their wives being smart. We probably aren’t super smart, but to men who usually have different strengths, we can appear amazing.

I’ve often seen my positive, encouraging words to my husband become like water to a dry plant, it makes him hold his head up high. I see confidence rising and a man who becomes taller and ready to change the world.

It’s sad when we use our words to criticise and diminish their masculinity in response to their short-comings. I am guilty of this a lot. God reminded me that when I do what I’m created to do, I reap the rewards. A man who is built up by his wife loves her, a cyclical effect. He is motivated to help me accomplish my passions, goals and becomes my biggest fan.

Quite often, I’ve seen insecure spouses tear down their partners out of insecurity, fearing that if their partners gained confidence, they will cheat or leave. How sad that the opposite is true! A man who is built up by his wife is more motivated to loyalty. I’ve even seen marriages when spouses cripple each other to self-doubt, convincing them that they are worthless and incapable in the hope that they will be controlled and submissive. This is not only ungodly and evil, it is a marriage controlled by fear that leaves both parties unfulfilled.

Oh if we’d only seek to build each other up with our words! We would reap the rewards of a good marriage!

Living and Loving beyond Heartbreak

Time to put on those Big lady pants, we’re gonna get a bit intense…

If you’ve been a serious relationship that perhaps lasted a number of years before ending, you know that heartache is real pain.

Many years ago, I announced a dissolved relationship in front of some relatives. My Uncle decided to coin in and share that a break-up is one of the worst pains you could ever experience. You go to bed and wake up asking yourself if the break-up was just a bad dream, then you cry until you are covered in tears and ‘runny nose fluid’ and you may even lose weight because you have no appetite. You can no longer listen to love songs, you can’t venture in certain locations that held sentimental value and you keep checking your phone, only to toss it away. That pretty much summed it up.

Back then, I remember many well-intentioned individuals telling me that I would get over it with time and I remember resenting hearing that. It’s true, no one fully comprehends your ambivalent feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt coupled with longing and missing the person……but all in all, it’s true you CAN get over the pain…and move on.

During that time, a friend advised me to look at the movie “500 Days of Summer”. It communicated a most poignant message that was pivotal in helping me properly dissect my emotions. It was a challenge to properly reframe the relationship for the reality of what it was and not what I wanted it to have been. With the heartache, sometimes we hurt because we consider the loss of the good things without the healthy balance of acknowledging the bad. I had to go back in my memory and imagine the ex’s facial expressions and recognise his growing loss of enthusiasm when seeing me. I went back and ‘saw’ things I had overlooked, the growing unhappiness, the growing distrust, the growing sensation of feeling ‘stuck’ and the growing misunderstandings. I was finally willing to accept the whole reality.

I had been guilty of reminiscing the good memories, idealised future plans and ambitions of a life together. Worse, I felt like he ‘owed’ me something for all the years and emotional investments. This I learned is an enemy of truly becoming free. I forgave him for everything and I forgave myself for wanting to hold on to resentment….and kept doing it over and over again.  I allowed myself to mourn the death of a future that would never happen and then I started a gratitude journal. I started being thankful for little things, baby steps, air, potable water, a warm bed, another day, family members, friends, etc. Gratitude became instrumental in healing.

I am convinced that God truly worked everything for my good. My husband far exceeds what I could have ever conceived in my expectations of a husband. I realised that we can limit or restrict our happiness by the lies we tell ourselves. You CAN love again…..

A life without true forgiveness only keeps us in the cage and away from the reality that there are good people who can be trusted and that true love grows over time.

Dating Purposely

Disclaimer- If you are dating for any other reason besides prospecting for a potential spouse, this blog isn’t for you.

I once heard how you date will set the precedence for the marriage quality you experience. I’ve found this for the most part to be true. Sometimes, if we honestly look back into our early dating years, we might remember little signs and red flags we overlooked that we could currently be facing in marriage.

I’ve observed that strong marriages have couples that possess a strong sense of respect for one another. Marriage based on a foundation of respect is therefore imperative and should be demanded from the onset of a relationship. Interestingly, dating provides key opportunities to cultivate it and should therefore not be taken lightly. Here are some tips you may want to take note of:

·        Curfews- No, I’m not a prehistoric dinosaur. No matter how old you are, giving yourself and communicating a curfew to your date provides an opportunity for him/her to respect you, your family and your boundaries. If you live with your family, telling a date that you need to be home by a certain time (like 10pm), sends a message that you value your family (who may be concerned about your safety…or not). You will be appreciative when you marry someone who shows respect for your family even if you aren’t fans of them (you can thank me later). Also, by you enforcing that the curfew be observed, teaches the date that your boundaries will be respected. He/She will respect you for it. If he doesn’t…..you’re better off without him long-term.

·        Unmasking- Meet him/her in the context of his/her family and old friends. A date can only pretend up to a certain extent around his/her family. It’s easy for family members and friends who know the person for many years to ‘buss dey files’ or share their secrets without compulsion. Observe the date and how the date talks to his/her parents/siblings. This is very telling since the way a guy speaks to his mother is highly likely the way he will speak to you also. I remember a guy I dated in the past insisted that he wouldn’t talk to me the way he spoke to his mother since we were very different. Well….after a few years, I was the recipient of a less than angelic manner of speaking (no…not my husband).

·        Ask the hard questions- While I don’t recommend doing this on the first date, I definitely believe this should be discussed early on. Ask about the person’s short-term and long-term goals……after all…you might be in it! Ask about religious beliefs. Yes…this is important. Many married couples fight over religious beliefs and practices in marriages. Discuss their thoughts on having kids. If you are big on having kids, take a kid relative on a fun day along with your date to see how he/she interacts with the kid.

·        Past relationships- While I don’t believe in asking details about someone’s past personal relationships. It’s wise to know why those relationships didn’t work out. While we know there are two sides to a story, you may still want to take mental notes in case any red flags come up along the discourse. Serious relationships are also good to know about and your date’s current thoughts about the person involved, in the event you discover that your date may not be healed and ready to honestly move on. While you can never truly get into someone’s head about their deep feelings, you would want to gauge if their heart is truly free and whether they may still be in contact with these past lovers. I do recommend that these issues be brought up later in the relationship timeline, since these are heavier and intimate events should only be shared with someone worthy to be trusted (Are you?).

·        Physical boundaries- I’m a believer in sex after marriage….not only for spiritual reasons. This is such wisdom…and perhaps, the best advice here. Here’s why…. There is a fallacy that you need to try out a sexual relationship with someone to determine ‘sexual compatibility’. I believe this is a myth and a ‘set up’ for pain and unnecessary drama! You can grow to have sexual chemistry with anyone you fall in love with over time. Sexual satisfaction is not so much an issue as to someone’s ability or performance…which can improve…but more so…the love you choose to express towards one another with open communication. When you have sex with someone, the chemical, oxytocin, gets released and binds you to the person emotionally (this is scientific). It becomes very difficult to separate if you want to call it quits after a sexual relationship (remember your first break-up?). Unfortunately, like most objects with sticky surfaces, the binding becomes less intense which each sexual partner. So sexual experimentation is like a setup. Abstinence offers the gift of self-preservation, self-respect and maintaining a sober mind when assessing a relationship without being influenced by feelings and attachments. More importantly, you teach someone to respect you and place a high sense of value on you since you aren’t quick to share your inner sanctuary (your body). We often teach others to respect us by delaying sexual interaction, since we are sowing seeds of respect that will last into marriage. Delaying sexual gratification communicates to someone that you are worth a lot and that your date must work for you (through a serious commitment). It works out for you in the long-term. Trust me!

Giving to Win at Marriage

Marriage is not for everyone. Not everyone has been properly apprised of the mindset required to live and share your entire life with someone else. Many of us have grown up with systems and social media cultures that tell us, that we are supreme, life is about us, what we want. We are the buyer…the consumer…because "we’re worth it!" Ultimately, this commercial and superficial world system fosters SELFishness.

I have news for you….Marriage is NOT about you!…the faster we get that in our minds, the better off we will be.

The more successful marriages I’ve seen growing up are the ones that are mutually sacrificial. Both partners have an understanding that they have given up the rights of having all their goals and aspirations accomplished in order to have the other person achieve some of theirs. Don’t get me wrong, you are still uniquely yourself and you shouldn’t lose who you are as a person, but rather, your mind-set is highly geared towards doing things that make both persons ‘win’ instead of one.

Also, two persons coming from two backgrounds mean that both persons have practices and habits that each believes is the ideal one. A good marriage means that sometimes you do it the different way even if you believe your way is better; Go ahead…fight me on it. I’ve seen the result on one party imposing their cultural practices, without any compromise. While the marriage endured for a long time, one person mentally checked out and eventually felt like a robot …losing any zeal for the marriage.

Whenever I tell people I have a great marriage and that I love marriage, I am often met with skeptical, unconvinced expressions followed by, “Give it some more time, you will see”. Thankfully for me, my husband was a mature guy who entered our marriage wanting to do whatever he could to make me happy. While we dated, he would often ask me if there was anything he could improve on as a boyfriend. His selflessness inspired me to want to be that way also. Two people trying to give to the other person makes the magic happen.

Throughout the journey, we have both desired many things, but would usually try to take turns ensuring that the other would have something that was valuable and meaningful, at the cost of getting something we wanted to be deferred.

For example, we needed a new car and my husband had his eyes on the fully electric Ionic and had spent months doing research on it. I wanted to do an MBA and it seemed like it was good timing for me to complete it……we bought a Toyota Aqua (we both love it….now).

Hopefully, when I get a better paying job because of my new job in the future, my husband will have a car he wants.

It’s important to say that my husband’s job isn’t to make me happy. Neither is my task, to make him happy. It should mutually be our desire to want to out-give one another. I’ve often found, doing something that truly pleased my husband, meant that somewhere in the near future, chances are he would want to reciprocate the kindness….though I am not motivated for that reason (I must often check my heart).

Setting a culture of giving early in marriage is vital. If you are married for many years, I challenge you to give and be sacrificial, regardless of the outcome. I believe, if you continue giving with a good heart without expecting anything, in the future, you will at some point be met with reciprocation.

Rising above Social Media Wars

Online wars and hostile social media exchanges have become a thing of the norm now.  It has become another place where we can find our own triggers, or we ourselves can even be the source of misunderstandings and offences in others. No other time in history, has there been an opportunity for persons of every social stratum to have a voice and feel empowered derived by the anonymity of online access.

Hurting persons has never been such an easier feat. It’s become so very easy to destroy someone’s character by a click of ‘share’ option. Over the past few months, I have grieved like never before due to the intensity of hate thrown about on social media. I have witnessed persons I respected a lot say the most atrocious comments directed at others who held a different viewpoint. More specifically, I witnessed persons whom I regard as close to myself, say stereotypical and derogatory comments about my ethnic group in a quick scramble to make a point. How do we live beyond the post? How can we unsay was said……or rather…posted?

It’s easy to forget that all our data is continuously being archived…every like…every comment…every share….

More than ever, it has become easy to learn about someone by simply searching online. Future bosses also know this and utilise online resources to gauge whether a potential employee’s values and preferences are aligned to a company or management expectations. 

Every decision we make online have repercussions, both directly and indirectly. It’s a popular thing to be Anti-Trump, but sharing these political opinions online are not ideal if you have ambitions to attaining or renewing a US visa, for instance.

Becoming responsible adults means that we are responsive as opposed to being reactive. We have the power of life or death on our fingertips and we need to manage this power well.

Here are some helpful self-searching questions to ask ourselves before posting:

1.      What's my motive in posting this?

2.      Is this content rooted in truth? Is your post something that has actually impacted you or are you just looking to fill space and rise above the noise?

3.      Is this post helpful?

4.      Am I looking for conflict?

5.      Could this post hurt other people?

6.      Could this hurt me? (Short-term/long-term)

7.      Am I reflecting God through this content? If the heart of the content you’re thinking of posting, or the content itself, does not accurately reflect who God is, perhaps you should delete it.

8.     How would I feel about this post in a day? A year? 10 years? If you feel any uncertainty, delete your post. You will be thankful in the future.

9.     What’s my company’s Social Media Policy?

10.   Is this post/comment something I’d be comfortable having my supervisor see?

11.   Is anything I’m sharing confidential or sensitive?

12.   Is this a conversation I NEED to have online?

13.   Is the comment/post aligned to my personal/professional image?