Accepting our Roles to Win at Marriage

To my ladies…….this piece of information is not desirable to hear. However, I’d be lying if I gave you some new age, feminist approving perspective.

Acknowledging our God-given role as a woman is a key to winning at marriage.

Nope, this just isn’t any religious propaganda you’ve heard from your grandmamma… This is the real stuff. The stuff that makes good marriages last.

A major role of wives is to be a help and support to husbands. You heard me! Because we were created to help them, we’re actually equipped to do it! We’ve been given the tools, the wisdom and the insight to help our husbands become their best.

When I just got married, I marveled at my husband’s amazing forgetfulness, his lack of follow-through on some great ideas he had and his cowardly demeanor. Furthermore, I lacked patience and kindness, constantly highlighting my planning abilities and multitasking strengths, my routines and my confidence in taking risks.

Now, I’ve repentantly come to appreciate the fact that my God-given skills and abilities were given to help my husband and NOT to use my giftings to bat him over the head or highlight his shortcomings in these areas. It’s like taking credit for something I didn’t earn.

Ladies…what value would we be to our husbands if we didn’t have anything to bring to the table?  Besides our bodies, we do possess skills that could help them, or greater, words that could encourage them. Men love to be complimented. You can never overcompliment a man. I love watching my husband blush when I dig deep for new material. Oh the power we as women have with our words!

Men by nature are more forgetful than women, in fact, science proves that women have consistently stronger short-term memory than men.

Coincidental or divine that our strengths would be different? When I think about the men I know complimenting their wives, I often remember them talking about their wives being smart. We probably aren’t super smart, but to men who usually have different strengths, we can appear amazing.

I’ve often seen my positive, encouraging words to my husband become like water to a dry plant, it makes him hold his head up high. I see confidence rising and a man who becomes taller and ready to change the world.

It’s sad when we use our words to criticise and diminish their masculinity in response to their short-comings. I am guilty of this a lot. God reminded me that when I do what I’m created to do, I reap the rewards. A man who is built up by his wife loves her, a cyclical effect. He is motivated to help me accomplish my passions, goals and becomes my biggest fan.

Quite often, I’ve seen insecure spouses tear down their partners out of insecurity, fearing that if their partners gained confidence, they will cheat or leave. How sad that the opposite is true! A man who is built up by his wife is more motivated to loyalty. I’ve even seen marriages when spouses cripple each other to self-doubt, convincing them that they are worthless and incapable in the hope that they will be controlled and submissive. This is not only ungodly and evil, it is a marriage controlled by fear that leaves both parties unfulfilled.

Oh if we’d only seek to build each other up with our words! We would reap the rewards of a good marriage!

Living and Loving beyond Heartbreak

Time to put on those Big lady pants, we’re gonna get a bit intense…

If you’ve been a serious relationship that perhaps lasted a number of years before ending, you know that heartache is real pain.

Many years ago, I announced a dissolved relationship in front of some relatives. My Uncle decided to coin in and share that a break-up is one of the worst pains you could ever experience. You go to bed and wake up asking yourself if the break-up was just a bad dream, then you cry until you are covered in tears and ‘runny nose fluid’ and you may even lose weight because you have no appetite. You can no longer listen to love songs, you can’t venture in certain locations that held sentimental value and you keep checking your phone, only to toss it away. That pretty much summed it up.

Back then, I remember many well-intentioned individuals telling me that I would get over it with time and I remember resenting hearing that. It’s true, no one fully comprehends your ambivalent feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt coupled with longing and missing the person……but all in all, it’s true you CAN get over the pain…and move on.

During that time, a friend advised me to look at the movie “500 Days of Summer”. It communicated a most poignant message that was pivotal in helping me properly dissect my emotions. It was a challenge to properly reframe the relationship for the reality of what it was and not what I wanted it to have been. With the heartache, sometimes we hurt because we consider the loss of the good things without the healthy balance of acknowledging the bad. I had to go back in my memory and imagine the ex’s facial expressions and recognise his growing loss of enthusiasm when seeing me. I went back and ‘saw’ things I had overlooked, the growing unhappiness, the growing distrust, the growing sensation of feeling ‘stuck’ and the growing misunderstandings. I was finally willing to accept the whole reality.

I had been guilty of reminiscing the good memories, idealised future plans and ambitions of a life together. Worse, I felt like he ‘owed’ me something for all the years and emotional investments. This I learned is an enemy of truly becoming free. I forgave him for everything and I forgave myself for wanting to hold on to resentment….and kept doing it over and over again.  I allowed myself to mourn the death of a future that would never happen and then I started a gratitude journal. I started being thankful for little things, baby steps, air, potable water, a warm bed, another day, family members, friends, etc. Gratitude became instrumental in healing.

I am convinced that God truly worked everything for my good. My husband far exceeds what I could have ever conceived in my expectations of a husband. I realised that we can limit or restrict our happiness by the lies we tell ourselves. You CAN love again…..

A life without true forgiveness only keeps us in the cage and away from the reality that there are good people who can be trusted and that true love grows over time.

Forgiving Myself and Healing

I remember looking out into the sky searching for a distraction. My eyes welled up with water and streamed down my face. I was tired of the cat and mouse, evading, trying to find alternative exits. I had been a victim of an elder, someone my family was friends with….the typical story. Casual bumping had already been turning into frequent hand swiping. I was told to be silent until this was both confirmed and dealt with by leadership. In the waiting, I spiraled….feeling that I wasn’t believed, utterly powerless, a theme that was already becoming more pronounced in my life, and worst of all, worthless.

Thankfully, my faith kept me protected once I chose obedience.

One day..... years later in the Orient, I chose not to be.

I had been hanging out with other English teachers like myself after work. Some of them had some drinks and we were on our way home. One particular male I wasn’t too familiar with was asked to walk me home. While showing him the apartment in the hope of exchanging apartments (a discussion which ensued prior to the late-night rendezvous), we chatted in different chairs across the room discussing the various reasons persons landed in China…the merchants, the runaways and the misfits. I heard a nudge in my spirit, to wrap up the conversation. I responded (to God) that I had things under control since there was no flirting going on. The discourse was mainly academic. Later on, the gentleman stated that he would sleep on the couch since it was so late. This was not too strange as co-workers sleeping over after hanging out wasn’t uncommon. All of us foreigners were family and sharing a couch late at night was acceptable.

As a Christian, I knew being alone in an apartment could easily make me look guilty and jeopardise my testimony as a Christian. I justified the decision quickly with the understanding that there was nothing improper about our conversation or any hint of romantic interest on either side. Sometime later, I said goodnight and I went to get a blanket for him, he followed me into the room and hugged me from behind. While I was surprised thinking it was a joke…he began kissing me on the neck.  

A million thoughts ran through my mind. Where did he get the impression I was okay with this? I laughed it off and reminded him that we were colleagues and had to work together. He ignored me and I kept saying “No …You don’t want to do this” in a low pleading tone. Eventually, he got angry and walked to the door to leave. I felt somewhat bad and asked him if we could still be friends, and stupidly offered a peace hug before he left. He grabbed me and threw me over his shoulders and proceeded to my bedroom. I tried reasoning…talking….muttering ‘no’….until dead silence….I stared at the ceiling wondering if this was all really happening. All my clothing remained on…..I have no idea how long it took before he withdrew and knocked the wall with his fist as he then burst into profanity.

I sat up asking if he “did it”…genuinely uncertain as to what happened as I don’t know how long I had zoned out. I burst into tears. He held me saying sorry and not to cry. Shortly after he left, I didn’t see or hear from him for days…I kept convincing myself that what happened was just a misunderstanding, even though in my gut I knew something was very wrong.

Within the next few weeks, I spiraled into a strange depression…..I felt responsible for everything that happened. I knew better, I had been taught better. I felt ashamed that I was so afraid to hurt someone’s feelings so much that I dismissed my own. The next few weeks, it seemed like everyone knew and somehow I felt judgment had been cast upon me as the girl who was pretending to be the Christian good girl and was trying to blame her bad actions on someone else.

I never used the word rape….it seemed wrong….I labeled it ‘misunderstanding’. Some weeks later, I tried asking him a couple times to explain what happened and later realised that friendship wasn’t good for me. It made me trivialise what had happened. Months after returning to Trinidad, I got an email from the guy saying sorry for what had happened. I cried….feeling some chains being lifted. His admission meant that I wasn’t guilty. Yet…I still wasn’t free. I walked around with the burden that this was my still fault.

It took many years after that to forgive myself. Forgiving the guy was easy.

The persons I told in Trinidad didn’t want to talk about it and somehow I felt punished by them and worse…a suspicion that I wanted it to happen.

The themes of feeling unheard and unbelieved again were too much for me to bear.

Thankfully, a counselor and my husband played critical roles in my life helping me to have a voice and to believe my intentions…..I soon believed me. While I continue to heal and find myself extra cautious around males needing personal space, I am taking steps to not be afraid of hurting people’s feelings when they cross the line. I’m finding my voice and I believe it is getting louder.

The more we believe that we are valuable, we are resolute in what we allow and not allow. I had always wanted people to like me and was always overthinking as to what I did wrong if someone seemed upset. What happened was a hard lesson that regardless of how people could feel, that I mattered and my feelings were paramount. I’m accepting that I can’t please everyone…and that is okay. I’m done with looking for acceptance by people and I've begun to trust God more and regarding His opinions. I’ve met many young women who have gone through similar experiences or worse over the years. Sharing my story helps me heal and believe what I'm saying about self-worth to be true. I’m thankful that God can use our messes and gives beauty for ashes. I’m a better person than I was before all the bad episodes even happened. I am learning, forgiving, and standing firmly about what I believe.

If you have been in a similar situation, I encourage you to speak out. Allow persons that can be trusted to help you properly reframe the themes and support you in taking the steps needed to be mentally and emotionally free. God has helped me heal. He has proven to be true, and faithfully constant at my side. You can ask Him to send persons that can be trusted if you are having problems identifying someone. Also, you can message me. Who knows, maybe we can help out one another…..